Published by
Beki on
January 9, 2012
Since my last post I have had two rides on the roadie and am about to have my second swim. The first ride was rather wobbly and nervous. It was also hard work as I have realised that I hadn’t ridden a bike in over four years. Two laps of Centennial Park, huffing and puffing in granny gear like some kind of pervert was about all I could manage. This morning I went out to the park again and did three laps, once I am feeling confident and have a bit more endurance it might be time to head out on the roads of a Sunday morning and get a longer ride in.
I also had my first swim at the pool (and about to head out for my second). That went surprisingly better than I though as I haven’t swam in almost as long as the bike has been gathering dust. 500m with a short pause for breath between each 100m was enough for my first session, right now I’m keeping everything short and sweet while my body gets used to regular training. Unfortunately as we were leaving the pool I was having problems with my eye sight, caused I thought, by perhaps not being used to wearing goggles. I could barely see by the time we got home and was getting quite scared, wondering at what point I should seek medical attention. As it happened, it began to improve after about an hour, at which point I was rewarded with first ever fully blown migraine. I’ve never been in so much pain, I woke up at 2.30am wanting to vomit, it felt like someone was going at my left eye with an ice pick. If there is a next time, I will take pain medication as soon as my eye sight begins to go strange and head straight to bed!
Running has been made more pleasurable by the purchase of new wheels:
We all know that new wheels make you go faster, especially ones with red on them.
The toxin-free diet is going well, apart from loads of headaches which I now think are caused by my forgetfulness when it comes to wearing my glasses rather than detox, I have loads more get up and go. The only cravings I’ve had for a glass of wine or something sweet have come from my habitual consumption of said products, rather than any physical need for them.
All is good in Beki Land and a plan is formulating for my end of year goal 
Published by
Beki on
January 5, 2012
Firstly, I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Year – myself, well, TOH and I buried ourselves at home and pretended it wasn’t happening just like every other year “BAAAAH HUMBUG!” lol!
I decided on Boxing Day that I was no longer going to be “that person” I spent much of last year being, my alcohol consumption had gotten out of control again and I was just not looking after myself. I was fed up with this merry-go-round and knew it was time to get off if I was ever going to improve my quality of life (or indeed ever actually have one).
Since then I have given up alcohol and cut sugar out of my diet. The first week was a nightmare with quite possible the worst headaches in my life. Every morning I was waking up feeling as though someone was going at my eyes and temples with an ice pick, the headache would pretty much last all day no matter how much water or ibuprofen was consumed and so I ended up sleeping for most of the day. Since NY day I have started to come good again (although yesterday and today I woke with headaches again), my energy levels are up and there has been a huge improvement in my moods.
Most mornings this week we have been at Redleaf Pool and I have rediscovered my love of swimming. I have also rediscovered how terribly unfit I am and how shocking my technique is. None of that matters though because I’ve made peace with myself in a way and even though I feel like a beached whale, I have put that aside to just get the sun on my skin and enjoy splashing around in the open water. I struggled to swim 30 metres without stopping on the first day and can now manage about 100m reasonably comfortably, my technique is also improving as I am slowly getting back into it. It has been a wonderful few days at the beach and with that in mind, my mountain bike has gone in the shop for some new wheels and road tyres plus service so that I can ride to the pool as of next week when TOH goes back to work. The parking there is shocking once the schools go back and I thought a nice ride each way would solve this problem and also give me some incidental exercise (not to mention the fact that my MTB has spent far too long getting dusty in the garage). It’s about 4k from home so although 8k on the bike isn’t much – it’s better than sitting on my bum
So, other than a bit of swimming what has been happening? Well, I am slowly getting my running legs back. This morning was the first time I actually managed to get up before 7am and go for a run/walk at the start of the day. It was absolutely gorgeous jogging along the Bay and after the stinker of a night, there was a lovely gentle breeze and the air was fresh. This morning’s effort produced more running than walking so I’m a very happy camper. Breakfast has now been scoffed and shortly we will be heading out to Centennial Park where I am determined to get to grips with the road bike and get over my cleat fear.
This year there will be no crazy dieting, or dieting of any sort in fact. The changes that I have made to my eating have already started to show results in changes to my body, that combined with the increased activity will be enough to see me slowly get back into shape over the next six months. I haven’t weighed myself in about four months and will not be weighing myself in the foreseeable future. I have a pair of jeans that I know fit me well when I’m in good shape and that’s all I need to know to be happy with myself. Nobody knows or cares how much I weigh and it has no relevance to how I look either. There is absolutely no point whatsoever in my becoming a slave to the scales and letting it dictate my mood and motivation, which is exactly what will happen should I give in and start looking at the numbers. This is not a numbers game, this is about living a life that keeps me fit both mentally and physically.
So, on that note, hope everyone has a great day and here is my favourite picture of our beautiful Moli…
Published by
Beki on
December 9, 2011
Well, it’s been an up and down week. I spent the first few days just crying my heart out over the loss of Pickle. It came as such a shock and I couldn’t stop thinking about that awful last half an hour before she passed away 
I brought the appointment with my shrink forward a week so that I could see him on Tuesday and on the way home I suggested to TOH that we drop into Bondi Junction to do a bit of shopping. As is our tradition, we went past the pet store to look at the fur babies and there was a litter of five or six tabby kittens. They were absolutely adorable and for a few minutes I was able to forget about my broken heart while I watched these little fuzz balls play with each other. After we did the shopping, we decided to take another wander past the pet store on our way to the car park and I fell in love with one of the fur babies. We actually walked away not intending to get one but Andy made the comment that the longer we leave Bobster, the harder it might be to introduce another cat to the household. Well, that was it, all the excuse I needed for us to go back and get the little tabby girl that melted my heart.
So, this is Moli in her playful, stalking mode (the name is short for Molineux, TOH’s football team’s home ground lol). There was a bit of hissing from Bobster when we first got her home but over the last few days she has started to slowly come around. I think that Moli’s persistence has something to do with it, she won’t leave poor Bobs alone and follows her everywhere trying to play with her. At one point Bobs was eating her dinner and Moli pounced on her tail – Bobs was not happy and gave her a swipe while Moli just looked incredibly sad at not being able to play.
She is an incredibly affectionate kitten and when you have been out of the house for a short while she greets you with little squeaking noises and rubs her face all over you. Despite being a crazy bundle of energy at play time, she has been good as gold during the night and just curled up to sleep on our bed, not moving until the alarm (or Bobster goes off).
I’m still missing Pickle like crazy and have cried everyday since she left us, but the tears are gradually getting less and Moli is a great distraction with her cheekiness. It’s gorgeous to see TOH with her too, really puts a smile on my face
Published by
Beki on
December 4, 2011
Larger than life and so full of character. Crazy little munchkin, you would always put a smile on my face when times were tough by doing something funny – like yesterday when your litterbox wasn’t up to your high standards and you sat in the bath next to the bucket “complaining” loudly that you wanted to do your business but you couldn’t get to the plug hole, or by being unbelievably cute. Then you went and stole Bobster’s dinner but gave yourself away by “talking” to it.
It was heartbreaking to watch you suddenly leave us this morning, I wish I could have done more than just stroke you gently and whisper meaningless words to help ease your passing. It is some small consolation that you were with us when you went and not in some cold and lonely vet’s room.
I’m glad that I was the crazy cat lady who took too many pictures of my fur baby because now I can look at them and remember how cheeky you were and how you made us laugh.
Sweet dreams little teddy bear xox
Published by
Beki on
December 3, 2011
I had a typewriter just like this when I was growing up:
Now my typewriter looks like this:
Despite a sleep in this morning I’ve already been pretty productive and got almost 1500 words written in the last couple of hours. Since putting into practise some of the advice from SK’s book I have found the writing to come much easier. The problem I had before was that I was trying to make each sentence, each paragraph, each page perfect before I could move on when really I should just be concentrating on getting the words and the story down. The editing comes later, that is what the 2nd and subsequent drafts are for. It’s been quite liberating and now that I have decided that I won’t be showing anyone more of the work before I have the second draft done and I am no longer worrying about small holes in the story or using too many adverbs, writing 2,000 plus words in a morning is easy peasy. Not that it has been easy to smack down the perfectionist in me, but reminding myself that I will be coming back to it with fresh eyes in a couple of months will make editing so much easier and also realising that it will get written much faster this way has certainly helped!
Having finished the books I ordered from the Book Depository (except the Gene Wolfe books which I have put down to come back to when my brain is less muddled), I found myself picking up something I had already finished a few years a go and felt like reading again. It is a three book series and I got almost to the end of the first book when I realised yesterday that I don’t want to keep rereading old books, I want to (and need to if I am to become a good writer) read new books, genres I wouldn’t usually pick up and look at, let alone open. So this little aspiring writer made her way on to our favourite online book store and ordered another five books mostly in the crime/thriller genre. Like I said, not something I would usually read but these things are best sellers for a reason and it’s time to find out why.
Mostly I read for pleasure but I have been discovering lately that I have been reading for education purposes too. I have been subconsciously studying the books as I read them, every book has something to teach me, be it why a book is good or why it is bad. Why does the dialogue of this author flow so well? Why does the prose of this author make me feel like I am tripping over branches? Why can I get lost in this book for an entire day and why does this book have me checking my Facebook updates every few minutes?
As you can probably tell from my tone, today is a good day and I am full of optimism and excitement.
Oh, and on the running front I am due for day two of my return once darkness falls 
Published by
Beki on
December 2, 2011
I aint gonna fly like no phoenix. But I’m walking. With determination. I’m also breaking into a bit of a jog every now and then.
It was a little late, granted, but I went out for my first adventure with the C25K in mind at about 9.30pm last night. Just the way I like it, under the cover of darkness. It felt good to be out of breath and experiencing how unfit I am because it reminded me that I’m doing something positive. It reminded me that I’m alive and it reminded me that it gets easier each time. I didn’t really follow it very scientifically. Walk a bit, run a bit, get out of breath a bit, walk a bit more, get breath back a bit, run a bit more, etc.
I also had the pleasurable company of my wonderful TOH who barely had time to put his suitcase down after returning form a work trip before I was dragging him out the front door.
I have been reading Stephen King’s memoir On Writing this week and although I have only read a few of his novels back when I was a teenager, this is a fantastic read (not to say his other stuff wasn’t, it was just too far back for me to remember). He tells of his early experiences with writing, his mistakes and rejections and then his big break. He also tells us about his childhood and upbringing in a wonderfully engaging way. The section on actual writing advice reads very much as tough love, no sugar coating or molly coddling, just straight forward and very practical advice. Much of which I have already put into practise. The result of this has been a few days of stuttering and slow progress on my own work. But that is good, it is better that I make stuttering and slow progress than none at all and I would rather be creating something other than a larger, butt-shaped dent in the sofa and a television shaped brain.
Published by
Beki on
December 1, 2011
You know what? I have been feeling an itch to blog for the last few days. I *almost* feel as though I have something to say.
For the last few weeks I have been tapering off my old medication in preparation to make way for the new. In discussion with my psych, we decided that it was time for a change as the old was clearly not working any more. I seem to have gone through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms (known as SSRI discontinuation syndrome – and yes I suffered with the majority of those listed and it was extremely unpleasant) and since starting at the low dose of my new meds two days ago feel infinitely better with pretty much all symptoms gone (apart from the nausea which is a well documented side effect of the new meds). I have one more week at this level before the final increase to max dose.
In my mind I had sort of planned a “start date” for when I began the new meds, a date where I was going to retake control of life rather than lay in bed all day, curtains closed, letting it pass me by.
I don’t know if it is because I had already made this decision or because of the new meds (two days is really rather soon to be making a huge difference) but this morning I woke up earlier than usual feeling the need to “do” something. That something was the C25k program. Much discussion with TOH reminds me of how the depression is far easier to control when I am running. The beauty of it is that it doesn’t matter how fast or slow, how far I go or how long I do it for. There is no competition, there is just me, the fresh air, and a heightened sense of well being.
For the next few weeks I have put my gym membership on hold. I realised that this was becoming a part of the problem because it was fuelling my obsession with a superficial look rather than just improving my health and happiness. It was making me feel I had to follow regimented eating routines with big red “NO” stickers on certain foods (and we all know that for me it just makes me want them more!). So while I was beating myself up about not training, I was also eating plenty of the wrong foods (for fear I may not be able to have them again) and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Yes. The nasty old imposter Beki was back.
I made a conscious decision that I was NOT going to diet and since then I have found my desire to eat badly has pretty much gone. I don’t think about eating the bad stuff and instead eat three decent meals a day which consist of pretty much whatever I want (OMG I ate pasta tonight!!). I can guarantee you that this way I am eating about a quarter of what I was eating and feeling a hell of a lot better about it. Now for my friends here who compete or following a competitor’s lifestyle, you know I love you all and think that what you do is amazing so this is no reflection on you – it’s just that my brain’s wiring doesn’t work with this lifestyle and I’ve learnt the hard way.
My new medication is also contraindicated for those who binge drink as it is known to be very harsh on the liver. This has been a good impetus for me to stop drinking and I have now gone three days without alcohol. It may not sound like long but it is a move in the right direction.
I found myself itching to get back in front of the computer and work on my writing again today. It has been very hard to concentrate lately and looking at the screen only made me feel sick while I was tapering and stopping the meds. Today for the first time I found myself sitting in the office, happily typing away and listening to the new Florence and the Machine album. For the first time in ages I felt inspired and that I had something worthwhile to contribute. I hate the way that depression makes you feel like an oxygen thief. I have been heartily sick of feeling like a waste of space.
I am craving balance in my life and that is why I am trying to do things in small doses. I have to get off the merry-go-round of taking on too much and then falling in a heap. I can’t keep doing it. To this end I recognise that while I feel good today, it’s not a sign that I am “cured” and can go tearing off to my next adventure or obsession. I am trying to learn the lessons that my fragile mind keeps trying to teach me. So there will be no more of these “12 week challenge” type things or anything else that might tempt my all-or-nothing nature.
